The Aerodynamics of Pork by Patrick Gale

Author:Patrick Gale [Gale, Patrick]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780007385409
Publisher: HarperCollins Publishers
Published: 1986-08-28T04:00:00+00:00

Doctor Fielding was a strong man, wholly unacademic, who played rugger. Evelyn trusted him. As he blew his nose he watched her hands fidgeting with the piping on a sofa cushion. He finished and put away the handkerchief.

‘Well?’ she asked.

‘Evelyn, Neesh isn’t sick. More importantly, she isn’t going to have a child. She’s not overeating and I can’t prescribe any useful pills.’

‘How can you possibly tell she isn’t pregnant? You haven’t had time to do a test.’

‘There wasn’t any need.’

‘No need? The dear creature’s swelling up like one of those sheep in Hardy.’

‘Please let …’

‘If you’re trying to spare my feelings, there’s no need. I’m your archetypal modern mum.’

‘That may be exactly the problem.’

‘What?’

‘Modern mum. How many boyfriends has Netia had, as far as you know?’

‘Well, she’s very cagey of talking about them, but there’ve been at least five in the past four years.’

‘Five? You’re quite sure?’

‘Five, six, forty! I don’t care about her boyfriends, I care about her. What the hell …’ Evelyn checked herself then went on quietly, ‘what the hell is wrong with her if she’s not in the Club?’

‘Clinically at least, Venetia is still a virgin. But, she’s in a rare state of hysteria in which pent-up sexual neurosis is made manifest in all the classic pregnancy symptoms. The poor girl is even giving herself morning sickness.’ Evelyn was speechless. Fielding went on. ‘I’m no shrink, but the problem seems to be that she feels the world – or at least her mother – expects her to be more grown-up and more highly-sexed than she is. Her mind throws a desperate sop to her oppressors in the form of a galloping pregnancy.’

‘What can I do?’

‘Just give her lots of the old TLC, and only talk about it if she wants to. Maybe she just isn’t ready for sex. Perhaps she could do with a little old-fashioned maternal affection. Remind her what it’s like to be a little girl. She isn’t trying to irritate you; in a funny sort of way, not wanting to grow up is really a sign of affection. It’s bound to come as something of a shock to discover that she’s not the little vamp she made you think, but for the present you mustn’t let her know that you’ve found her out. She made me promise that I wouldn’t tell you – muttered something about “offending your Christian Modernity”.’

‘I understand, Robbie – take the cues from her. Frankly, how long do you think it will last, I mean …?’ Evelyn was growing breathless. Fielding reached out and held her hand. Professionally firm.

‘Steady. Steady.’

‘Sorry,’ she tried to laugh, and sniffed, ‘what I’m trying to ask in my feeble layperson’s way is, how long is she going to remain in this state? Will she carry on swelling and go into a fake labour or something ghastly or does she just stop at this stage?’

‘Well, I’m no specialist, but I do know that labour’s almost unheard of. Given lots of peace and quiet, the swelling should subside on its own after a matter of days or even hours.

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